Guilt
by xiamei
Summary: Most people told Edward Elric that he had a bad habit of feeling guilty about everything. Except Roy Mustang. Mostly because he did it, too. Divergent.


WARNINGS: MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CH35-36 (latter 2 chaps of vol9). DIVERGENT FUTURE. Scenario: what of Roy had really killed Ross? (Actually, I didn't know that she wasn't really dead until galliechan said so. Many thanks to galliechan!) RoyEd overtones (but ignorable... i guess) starting #3. Angsty. Introspective. Roy-centric. Horribly unbeta-ed. Stream of consciousness-esqe.

Giftfic for Gunning Angel, who is as devastated as I by Roy's bastard-ness. The fact that Squeenix made video games for FMA should've forewarned me of stuff like these. --;;

Note: This thing spun out of control. A one-shot, then 2, then 3, then 4 parts (--;;) ah well. Enjoy! (and the footnotes are sorta important, so don't miss em) And ffnet formatting kills me.

Disclaimer: This be FAN. FICTION. (aka sooo not mine)

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1) Hypocrite (270) 

When he saw Ed, smiling and asking to see Maes, Roy felt his throat clog. He could feel his face freeze, and his heart beat wildly in his chest.

"_He's not here."_

He heard himself say. But he couldn't do it. Couldn't tell Ed. Couldn't let Ed know.

Pathetically, he couldn't even look at Ed as he lied. About Hughes going to the countryside. With his family. **Alive.**

"_He's not here anymore."_

He thought for sure he'd choke on that sentence. He was glad that he didn't.

Vaguely, he heard the three behind him talk, and he could feel an asphyxiating rush of emotion coursing about him in waves.

_"It's dangerous being in the military, after all."_

He couldn't handle talking about Hughes, so he changed the subject. Turned it to business. Pretended he was busy.

But he couldn't let it go completely.

"_Fullmetal… Don't jump into conclusions and do anything rash."_

Yes. He'd told Ed that, hadn't he?

"_This seems to be the only situation where you would treat him like a child."_

Treat him like a child?

No…

**I was just a coward.**

_"There is no need for him to know yet… It would be better for those brothers if nothing disturbed their progress."_

**A coward and a liar.** It didn't make him feel better, when he caught a glimpse of Hawkeye's expression. She knew it was only half a truth. But he knew she wouldn't ask.

_"…something like that. I guess I have no right to call Major Armstrong soft-hearted."_

**A coward, a liar…**

"_**Fullmetal… Don't jump into conclusions and do anything rash."**_

**… ****and a hypocrite.**

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2) Regret (270) 

Hughes had been his first and best friend in the military. Needless to say, Roy didn't take his murder quite well. In fact, Roy couldn't remember **ever** feeling this irrational in his anger. He was Colonel Roy Mustang. Cunning. Manipulative. **Composed.** Sure, he lashed out. But everything was calculated. Everything factored into his goal.

But this…

_When he saw her face; deep inside, he knew she couldn't have done it. Killers can always tell who other killers are. And her eyes were as innocent as the civilians he slaughtered in Ishbal._

It was too late for regrets.

_"Mustang, right? I wanna see this girl for myself. She shot me, after all. And she's a dead duck either way. I'll come back to this hole afterwards. This is the only place where I can survive, after all."_

She never had a chance. She was a scapegoat for the military. A scapegoat for Roy's anger. Roy had used her as a stressball. Used her **life**.

_"You **do** realise that busting her out is doubly confirming her already-signed death warrant, right?" The deranged piece of armour seemed amused. "My, my, Colonel. I knew you were vindictive, but I didn't think it was **this** bad…"_

He'd condemned her to death as soon as he put down the phone on Barry.

…The least he could do was make it as quick and painless as he could.

_All she saw was a bright flash of light. There was barely any fear, nor any pain. One second she was alive, and the next she was cinders. That was all there was to it._

…too late for regrets…

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3) Faith (270) 

"_**What the hell is going on?! Explain yourself!"**_

When Edward Elric shouted angrily at him, Roy felt himself panic.

He barely even noticed when Fullmetal grabbed him by the collar. No one was supposed to have **seen**…

…Not **anyone**, not Ed…

"**_For what reason was 2nd Lt. Ross…"_**

It's impossible to explain. It's impossible to tell him that "She'd die, anyway. At least this way it didn't hurt as much."… because this was **Fullmetal**. And he never accepted realities as well as he should. Jaded, but idealistic. An odd combination only he could pull off.

…And how do you go about explaining failures in judgment to someone you want to **believe** in you? How do you explain mistakes and selfishness and yet somehow still seem good?

There was no way. And so, he did the only thing he could think of. Roy punched Ed.

_"You dare to lay your hands on someone of higher rank? Behave properly."_

He could take this. Fighting was alright. Better see the moment of confused anger, rather than the constant shroud of distrust.

_If Al hadn't come to stop Ed, Roy didn't doubt that he would've let Fullmetal punch him._

It's easier to burn off steam than learn to trust again, after all. And, more than anything; Roy valued that faith Ed always gave him. If that confidence in him disappeared, Roy would be lost.

_"Convicted murderer of Hughes, Maria Ross, was on the run and orders to kill her have been issued. That is all."_

Even if he had to lie over and over again… no matter what, he couldn't let that trust fade.

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4) Guilt (270) 

Roy Mustang didn't think he had an _ounce _of energy left in him. Frankly, he felt about as tired as he did back in the war, when…

The Colonel smiled wryly. He supposed there was just something about torching innocent people that took its toll. Equivalent exchange, and all that. He could feel the hysterical laugh bubbling in his chest; and he wondered idly what the others' reactions would be if it burst out.

**_"It's my fault. I… I pulled him into this."_**

The flame alchemist felt like he'd been punched in the gut. And this one was probably more painful than the one he would've received if Al hadn't held his brother down.

Roy looked away as Armstrong explained to Ed that it _wasn't_. As Ed's _only ever_ commanding officer, he knew it wouldn't work. The little shrimp had a knack for cultivating guilt; and nothing short of Hughes returning from the grave to pull at Ed's hair and say "Stop moping over something that's _Not. Your. Fault."_ would ever convince the blond otherwise. Perhaps not even then.

When he looked up to see Ed's devastated face, Roy felt his throat close on him. He'd only ever seen Fullmetal cry _once_. He didn't **ever** want to witness it again.

_No, it wasn't Ed's fault. It was his. All his._

Hughes' life; Ed's happiness. They were both responsibilities Roy had willingly carried; when he'd taken the risk and dragged the two of them into his ambitions.

_It was his job to protect his subordinates. **Their** lives, **their **safety, **their** happiness… And he failed. Yet **they** were the ones who suffered._

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1) The italics underlined are lines not said by Roy. The first was winry, 2nd Riza 

2) This is purely speculation. As I have not yet read beyond Vol9, the reason Barry broke Maria Ross out has not yet been revealed to me. Italics and underline is Roy. Just italics is Barry.

3) Italics and bold is Ed. Just italics is Roy.

4) Didn't Roy see Ed cry that first time they met? Y'know… When Roy grabs Ed in chap24… (blinks) In any case, I think it _looked_ like Ed was crying. And I don't remember Ed crying after that. So… yeah.

Please Review! (smiles)


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